who the hell am I?
發文作者 lannychao 於 八月 7, 2009
Giving up the old life and coming back to Taiwan, I am disoriented and overwhelmed, not knowing who the hell I am by being this whole new different world, a world that I used to know but a world that I no longer fit in.
Who the hell am I by losing some old identities? Can I be the person I used to be? If I am no longer the person I used to be, who the hell can I be or will I be? Or, it’s just delusion to have any identity, to identify oneself with any particular idnetity?
Who the hell am I? Do I ever really know who I am? Or, maybe “who I am” is just evolution of being. Probably, what I am is not fixed at all but is ever-changing and a process of discovery and exploration.
Who the hell am I? Uncertainty can be a torment because one will never be happy and at peace on searching, and because one will never be at home when searching. Yet, this uncertainty also can be a factor of growing because when the answer of who I am cannot be found outside, there is an opportunity that we will turn inward, returning to the heart, the truth of being.
Who the hell am I when I cannot identify myself with anything? This feeling is like that I am in the dark, not knowing whether or not I will fall into an endless abyss, fearing for falling and losing. In the dark, I stop searching because searching in the dark will be in vain. In the dark, I stop and listen, listening to the sound of exhaling and inhaling, listening to the silence between life and death, coming and going. I am listening to the heart beats, mine and the universe. I just stop and wait, waiting for the answer coming to me.
Who the hell am I? At this moment, I find that it doesn’t really matter what the answer is. What matters is how I am and to live a life I want to have. In the dark, I pray, praying to the mystical unknown power that both inside me and beyond me in the universe for courage and strength, helping me to endure in the dark.
Who the hell am I? Does it matter?
8/7/2009 in Taipie
